Career Girl

Naomi Raids Humpty Dumpty’s Closet Again

5:20pm

You know it’s really winter when Naomi brings the crusty/shiny stretch pants, that I love so very much, out of retirement. And what are stretch pants really, without a darling kitty-cat appliquéd sweatshirt? Ever since Claire resumed behaving like a see-you-next-Tuesday, Naomi has regressed to her old ways – taking each and every opportunity to pluck out a jaunty little tune upon my nerve strings. Every time Claire cranks up the ice queen, Naomi counters, by boosting her culty, can-do attitude to a new high. This, in turn, has caused my homicidal tendencies (fantasies) to spike. According to Naomi, every idea of Claire’s is “amazing,” and “completely doable!” even (especially) when they are clearly neither.

Claire: You know what I see for ’09? A nice Holstein print.

Naomi: Oh yes, completely chic.!

Claire: And I’m thinking we should revisit fanny packs.

Naomi: It’s like you are reading my mind!

Ok, so those are both teensie exaggerations. In actuality Claire has great taste. But still. Her ideas are often impossible to produce and Naomi makes it hard for anyone to actually say so when she’s all hopped up on ass-kiss fumes. I mean, when you’re in a meeting with four other people do YOU think it’s acceptable to give your boss standing ovations (complete with frenzied clapping) after every sentence? Yes it’s that subtle.

Naomi Wardrobe Stakeout #3

4:00pm

Welcome to my third official installment of Naomi Wardrobe Stakeout. I know it’s been awhile, and for that I apologize.

Let’s take it from the TOP:

You may remember that a few months back I took advantage of Naomi’s fragile mental condition and talked her into letting me give her eyebrows a makeover. It was unbelievably satisfying, and she looked like a normal person for exactly eight hours. Of course, Naomi went back to doing them herself the next day and they quickly resumed their uniquely crazy design. I’ve tried to describe them many times, never quite doing them justice. From a distance they’re just your standard pair of chubby larva. But as one moves closer they remind one of the scribblings drawn on one’s face with Sharpie as one lay unconscious and drooling after (let’s just say) passing out top of the coat pile at a high-school house party. The thing that kills me is that they clearly take a lot of work. I wonder how she knows when they’re done. I mean, at what point does she look into the mirror and say, “Voila, perfection!” before skipping off to work? I will admit her confidence (however misguided) is enviable.

And now to the TOES:

One word… Crocks. Please explain how festively colored, rubber gardening clogs made the jump to everyday casual footwear? Crocks are the Uggs of ’07. The only difference is that that Crocks have been embraced by baby boomers rather than spray tan addicts and mini-skirted Japanese chicks. I thought for sure they were a summer only phenomenon but not for Naomi. Bless her heart. I guess she waited so she could rock them with socks.

I’ll spare you the middle. The horror bookends that are her eyebrows and shoes are painful enough. You’re welcome.

Two Words, Halloween Sweater

10:00am

Yes, I realize that the title of this blog entry says (perhaps unwisely) everything that needs to be said about Naomi's ensemble today. I realize it's putting the punch before the joke, but whatever. When it comes to horror, is there any point in being coy? I mean, even if Naomi was dripping in Chanel from the waist down (ha ha ha) it couldn’t begin to neutralize the psychic damage her sweater is doing to others. I suppose I can only speak for myself - but I assure you, this sweater will haunt my dreams and I'm pretty sure it's to blame for the gnarly cramps that are presently making my life a living hell. On the upside, I did get to say, "Wow Naomi, you look scary as F*#k today," right to her face. Sadly, courtesy of country relatives, I am all too familiar with the abomination that is the Christmas sweater. . But Halloween? She's an evil genius. Never in my life have I seen anyone serve up such heaping piles of ugly with such regularity and freshness.

 

I know I've said it before, but it bears repeating – whenever Naomi takes the time to assemble another one of her bedazzled/acrylic/appliquéd masterpieces, I am forced to pause and concede that she really does work her ass off. I mean, bless her heart, it is truly mind-boggling that she could have climbed so far up the corporate ladder in a company that puts so much stock in appearance.

 

Not Just A Friggin River In Egypt

5:45 p.m.

So yeah, Jasper's gone. On her last day, the entire office (predictably) made too big a deal out of her departure. Let's be honest, she brought nothing positive to the table and will not be missed. If anything my productivity will shoot through the roof now that she's gone and I may earn an outstanding review based on how much more efficient I am without that bitchy little albatross around my neck. Everyone gathered in the conference room. Yes, cake was involved. But as usual, the best part was the inappropriately sentimental gifting from Naomi. She really glommed on to the whole mentor thing with Jasper. I think she saw the lunch as a real, "goodbye, Grasshopper," moment. Anyway, she gave Jasper some sort of BFF necklace from Filenes, which I chose not to look directly at, lest it burn my irises with the potency of its barfiness (and also because I've realized that this is the key to keeping a straight face). Jasper displayed some of the best behavior I'd ever seen. I mean, she gave Naomi an over-the-top sarcastic smile. But Naomi ate it up, so as far as I'm concerned, it was darling. Barry dropped in, and I didn't notice any crazy tension between him and Claire - though I did notice that he stares at her very intensely these days. And so another chapter closes… I will almost certainly drink to that.

 

Flipping the Bird Is Just Teen-Speak for “Thank You”

 11:25pm

Okay so maybe I'm going to hell for this, but seriously, if you had to walk a mile in my moccasins, girlfriend, you'd be right there with me. Anyway, I came up with (what I considered to be) a simple but effective plan this morning and promptly hauled ass to Naomi's office to implement my evil doings. I was like, “Listen Naomi, Claire told me confidentially that she really wishes you'd spend more time with Jasper. I mean, she knows that Jasper could learn a lot from you. Honestly, I think Jasper really looks up to you, she's just shy. No no, that snotty act is just a defense mechanism, inside she's scared little girl,” etc.

Nothing excites Naomi more than impressing Claire. I mean, it's pathetic how easy it is to get her revved. When she's really pumped, she looks like a devotee in one of those evangelical revival tents (post healing) - all glassy eyes, hallelujahs and sweat. Anyway, it worked freakishly well and Naomi hasn't let Jasper out of her sight all day. I gotta be honest - I was beyond desperate to shake her. The smell of Mystic-tan, day in and day out, was giving me hives.

 

.PS: can I get a witness? Cause, oh yes, this is the last week of Jasper's internship!

 

 

Her Ankles Are Ready for Madonna Daze at the Senior Center

9:02am

This is my second official installment of: Naomi Fashion Stake Out
As always, I shall start at the top and work down…

Black suit jacket - medium shiny, featuring shoulder pads.
Accessorized with a delightful silver tone TGIF pin.
Purple button-down shirt, extreme shine (lump enhancing).
Black Capri suit pants, medium shiny.
Purple fishnet knee-stockings.
Black ankle boots, half-inch heel.

For The People

12:20pm
This morning I realized it's been a long time since I have fucked with (or written about) Naomi. I guess we kinda smoked the peace pipe when she let me remodel her eyebrows, and I gave her my flower hand-me-downs. But the real reason I've left her alone is that Naomi (rightly) has been keeping a low profile since her mess with the spring line and hasn't provoked me recently. Don't get me wrong.  It's not like she started dressing like a normal person or anything, but I can’t just post a Naomi bulletin describing her outfit each day can I?  What's that, you say, I can?  I hereby pledge to post a brief Naomi fashion report now and then, regardless of drama. I mean why should you be robbed of a perfectly gorgeous word picture simply because she's not doing anything hideous lately?
Today:
I'll start from the top and work down.
1. Mock croc headband in lime.
2. Acrylic sweater with decorative appliqué (think Christmas in June).
3. Relatively innocuous (though, ill fitting – i.e. too tight, too short, too shiny) pants!
4. High heeled, open toed pleather sandals.
5. Pantyhose, with a reinforced toe, in tawny.

Leftovers/Muse Droppings

1:29pm
Hmmmm… what other fun things happened at Claire's birthday party?
Oh, you mean besides the moment when Claire shot me the raised eyebrow as she busted me taking the biggest slice of cake? Yes, I will be storing that one in my box labeled "treasured memories."
And if you're wondering whether I gave Claire anything, you should know that:
a. Company policy states that it's totally inappropriate for employees to purchase gifts for their superiors. But that:
b. I did grudgingly take up a collection to buy her an arrangement of the rainbow roses she likes from Miho.
The only one to bring Claire an actual present-present, was Naomi, which made it all the more awkward. But the big boss himself, Mr. Copeland, did make an appearance, and he gave Claire a complete Hermes desk set (which, in case you don't know, costs about as much as a trip to the Maldives). He actually hung out for awhile and it was the strangest thing… he was telling some story about his place on the Italian Riviera and I happened to look at Claire. She was laughing just a smidge more than necessary, leaning in way too much… at one point I thought that she was actually blushing. I had to ask myself - have I ever seen her smile like this before? I mean, who is this woman, and where is the poker-faced Claire I know.  I have to admit, it was the first time that I sort of realized how beautiful she is. 

The Other Set of Footprints

4:19 p.m.
So a couple hours ago, the office got together to celebrate Claire's birthday. I’ll just skip to the part that I know you want to hear about… Naomi's gift. 
Although I’d needed to pee since noon, I refused to take a bathroom break in case I missed the present portion of the festivities. Luckily, I was front and center when Claire tore open the one from Naomi. She froze momentarily as she lifted it out of the box.  You have to understand, as much as one might try to mentally prepare one's self for whatever shit parade Naomi is preparing to unleash upon the world, one will find that one has, once again underestimated her bad taste by a good 20%.  Keeping one's feelings to one's self requires a surprising amount of effort. One has to dig deep, imagining say - puppies - or the really good sex one had on so-and-so’s tour bus, in order to erase all traces of "here comes the vomit," and replace it with "gee, how thoughtful."
Anyway, the gift itself was an inspirational plaque with pink and peach angels on it. It said something very lezy, like, “you light up my life” or “you are the wind beneath my wings" or another bumper sticker popular with the elderly. Claire snapped out of it in time to offer up a weak smile, and an even weaker, "you shouldn’t have." I immediately began fantasizing about next week when I will most certainly ask Claire (with Naomi in earshot) where exactly she'd like me to hang it in her office. Ahhhhh… dreams.

I Prefer Carvel

3:30 p.m.

Did I tell you how big the office is on birthdays? It's borderline ridiculous.  Everybody that works here is a serious sugar addict. In general, when you take a group of people this skinny and perfect looking, you'll find that 9 out of 10 are the type who watch the food network like its porn, and reminisce about a doughnut they split with a friend in high school.  My theory is, the less you allow yourself to have something, the more titillating it becomes.  We do birthdays on the last Friday of the month - and if we can make it till the Tuesday prior without beginning the cake conversation it's a miracle. Will it be cupcakes from those a-holes at Magnolia?  Will it be a layer cake from Ciao For Now?  Snore. Oh for the love of God, have an M&M once in awhile you size zero hags! But I digress. This month is the birthday of all birthdays. Yep, it's Claire's birthday.  This means that all the little ass kissing forest creatures will scamper out to kowtow. Perfect Caroline (bless her heart) will bake (but not partake) something for sure.  Barry will drop by, and I hear whispers that Mr. Copeland will make an appearance. Since I enjoy desert on a regular basis and thus could give a rat’s ass, the only thing I have to look forward to is watching Claire open the president that Naomi is sure to give her. I've been entertaining myself all morning, imagining the little shopping trip of horrors. What SHALL she pick? Oh God, please let it be something with fringe!