Career Girl

I Heart Summer Fridays

3:45pm

Until I came to New York I'd never heard of summer Fridays. I guess that's because in other parts of the country, people have regular access to stuff like grass and trees (besides those policed by Parks and Recreation). In New York City, however, even the super wealthy must jet out to the Hamptons or Catskills to get their nature dose, leaving us peons to suffer heat waves in relative peace. To give their employees a head start on traffic, corporations let people leave early. Of course, this does nothing to alleviate traffic, since everyone leaves at once. But don't look at me; I don't come up with this shit

Anyway, after about two o'clock on a Friday afternoon this place is a total ghost town. Since I don't have a country house, I've opted to save up and take one complete Friday off per month. I spend most of the other three "touring" people's empty offices with Ali.

We try to approach it as if we were part of a fact-finding crew for National Geographic. Here is what we've learned so far:

   1. Most people at Director level or above are on a cocktail of three or
       more psychotropic medications.
   2. One out of three men (regardless of level) has some form of porn   
       in his desk drawer.
   3. Posting positive affirmation notes for yourself throughout your
       workspace will most certainly make you the object of ridicule for
       both cleaning crews and marauding snoops.         
   4. You can always identify the office freak by her kitty-cat "Pobody's 
       Nerfect" poster. And yes there is one in every office.

Night Of The Living Hedge-Funder

9:10am
Stop the presses.  Sit down.  No wait, go get yourself something refreshing to drink and then come back and sit down.  OK, are you ready?
Chase called.
Yes, that's what I said. I didn't answer it or anything, but he left me a voicemail while I was at the gym last night. Anyway, he said HE HAD FUN THE OTHER NIGHT and wanted to know if I'd like to go to dinner this coming week!!!
Oh my God. I am totally flummoxed. I can honestly say that never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would hear from him again. In fact, I envisioned our paths crossing outside of Barney's and seeing him scurry to the other side of the street in an effort to avoid having to fake so much as a friendly nod.  I spent all morning trying to imagine his possible motivation. Here’s what I've come up with so far:
a. It was a dare.
b. Ali is playing a prank on me - she made her male assistant leave me the message.
c. Chase thinks all women are batshit, so my cuckoo act didn't really faze him.
b. He found my mental fragility strangely attractive. i.e. weak = feminine.
c. He's a blackout drinker and has no idea what happened the other night.

I am at a complete loss here. I may have to be super direct (aka cruel), which sounds fun and all, but truth-be-told I’m out of practice. I’ve been nice-ish to men for awhile now. Stay tuned…

Screw You And The Spirit Animal You Rode In On

1:13pm

Last night I went to a show somewhere on the Lower East Side with Ali. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of drinking a Red Bull in an attempt to counteract the boredom I was experiencing while watching the drum-circle-bullshit that people call a band these days. Anyway, I always forget how sensitive I am to caffeine until its way too late. So of course, the music continued to suck, but luckily I was now wide awake for it! Woohoo! Anyway the alertness continued till about four in the morning. So I watched a solid five hours of quality cable programming as I waited to pass out. This brings me to:

Today’s hate list (commercial category)

1. Commercials with animated mucus

2. Commercials with animated toe fungus

3. Commercials with extremely retarded jingles. Example – the one for the pre-crumbled cheese that goes “It’s crumbelievable!” (Ps: How fucking lazy are you? Crumble your own Goddamn cheese America!)

4. Commercials for RTS (Restless Leg Syndrome). I am willing to bet you a fistful of Adderoll that no one, other than female pill heads, has ever experienced these symptoms. (Be honest, how many scrips do you gobble each month girl?) I can’t wait for the drug that claims to kill “all those pesky bugs crawling under your skin,” marketed to Meth-heads.

This Morning I Stepped Out Of a Cab Onto a Dead Rat

9:15am
Things I have to admit I miss about the Midwest

1.Tailgating
No, I do not mean tailgating parties for Christsake! I mean good old fashioned, unsportsmanlike, vehicular tailgating. You can only tailgate a person on foot for about three feet before getting an ass whupping in the middle of Union Square. But you can express a wide variety of furious feelings by driving 12 to 14 inches behind the bumper of the car in front of you. It’s the first thing I do upon landing whenever I visit my parents. But as much as I enjoy it in my hometown, the best tailgating the world over can be had in Los Angeles. Oh God how I love it. It’s as if the whole city got the memo. 95-year-old ladies will rush up on you from behind and then slam on their brakes at the last second. It’s adorable. (Ps: this is absolutely no fun as a passenger. Whenever my cab drivers do it I have a heart attack. Sorry Mom)

2.Size 8 not being considered a plus size.

Allow me to blow your minds; People in the middle of the country think this is itty-bitty.

3.Curled bangs.

What can I say? A day spent drinking diet coke and playing a nice game of I Spy a hamburger bang* with my sister is a day well spent.

4.Boys that know how to do stuff like drive stick or build me a house.

Seriously. And no I do not care if you can help diversify my portfolio. Ask yourself – would your skill set be at all helpful if we were buried in an avalanche together, or marooned on an island? No? Then shut up.

5.Customer service at non 4-star establishments.

I could loaf at a diner for three hours at home, and the waitress would still be calling me honey as she poured my 15th free coffee refill. Meanwhile, heaven forbid I take three seconds to put my change away after a transaction in NY. The bellowing of “NEXT” when I’m clearly the only customer in the establishment is also a nice touch.

6.People who never ask (and truly could not give two shits) how my career is going.

*The burger bang is comprised of three tight curls at the forehead (one under two back). Occasionally, the curls are picked out and feathered, but more often left untouched - so that each curl holds the exact shape of the iron that birthed it.

1 - tight curl under = bun
2 - tight curl going back = meat
3- second tight curl going back = bun
End result – delicious!

I Heart Metal

11:30am

Ok so check out my to do list from this morning…

1. Order flowers for Barry for anniversary gift from Claire. Card to read: one coupon redeemable for “goodies,” (pause to shudder over this window into Claire’s tragic sex life) I swear I heard the florist say, “ew,” under her breath.
2. Order flowers from Barry to Claire for anniversary (he said he thought I'd know her favorite florist better than he would which was sadly true) if you must know – his card said simply - Love, Barry (thank you Jesus!)
3. You get the point. Do you really need to hear more? Yes – I did actually have real work but trust me it was just like yours. I created a riveting PowerPoint presentation that illustrated how a. not getting laid for a period of 6 months -combined with b. a workday full of humiliating tasks - plus c. a regular sprinkling of Jim Beam - has contributed to my (currently record low) dating standards. Can we even call it dating anymore? I think the last time I went on a “date,” there was a cheap corsage involved.

12:45pm

Bright spot of the day – Did I ever tell you about Kelly from IT? He’s like this pimply little metal-head who has a thing for me. How could that possibly be a good thing you ask? He tells me all kinds of amazing dirt about what’s on everyone’s computer! It is too brilliant. Anyway today he had a video clip of a shoe fetish guy. It was very home movie. The guy crams stiletto heels up his nose – seriously one in each nostril. I could not identify the brand. If your whole thing was shoes – I mean over everything else in the world, SHOES are the things that turn you on – would you not hightail it over to Louboutin? I’m just saying. Anyway – it was from the machine of some corporate VP who I don’t even know – but still worth watching.

CG.

About Everyone Else

Here’s the thing, if I’m going to do this on a regular basis it’ll be a huge pain in the ass if I have to stop all the time and explain who everyone is. Especially since my universe is so small and most of the time I’m talking about the same seven people over and over. So I’ve created a key – like the one you might find in say a restaurant guide where you flip to the back and it turns out that $$ means appetizers start at $50. So here it is - for your perusal whenever you find yourself asking, “Who the fuck is she talking about now?”

Claire: My Boss

1. Gives no direction – only negative feedback.
2. Complicated food needs (but pretends not to care about her weight)
3. I will admit that she’s a very glamorous dresser.

 Naomi: Office Sycophant

1. Never – and I mean NEVER says no to Claire. Completely shameless ass kisser.
2. Wears totally inappropriate items in an effort to show Claire that she’s hip and      edgy but always gets it dead wrong. Example: once rocked a red leather blazer, the likes of which has never been seen outside of Southfork.
3. Cannot have a real moment with me – there’s no breaking through the corporate      bullshit speak.

Ali: My Best Work Friend

1. Was recently made director of her department (five floors away-other side of      our behemoth building)
2. She is very modely and chic – but she comes from a white trash family, which is      probably why I don’t hate her.
3. Taught me everything I know about sample sales. Plus she is SO funny. 

Mr. Copeland: Claire’s boss

1. Super dashing
2. The only person I’ve ever seen make Claire nervous
3. Always covered in the society pages.

Perfect Caroline:

1. I call her perfect Caroline because honestly, everything about her is perfect, which is something that I find personally revolting. I know. Shut up. I already go to therapy.

Barry: Claire’s Husband

1. Finds reasons to stop by the office all the time (when does he work?)
2. He’s supposedly a powerful banker-something, but a total wuss at home.
3. Clearly not getting any from Claire.

Kelly: The IT Guy

1. Does it matter that I have no idea what IT stands for? I know what they do (sort of).
2. Has a Flying V tattoo that he gave himself – which he is really proud of.
3. Since I met him I’m hyper aware of every piece of incriminating email I have ever written or received at the office.